i think

i'm going to stop using this and start using tumblr.

And if you told me we were dreaming I would pinch you to prove we're awake.

Another day
Shows it's face.
I'm half awake--
Half in space.
And if you told me I was beautiful,
Well that would just be in poor taste.

Another hour
Flying by.
I've yet to shower,
Yet to dry.
And if you told me I was wonderful,
I probably would wonder why.

just kidding.

i did see the lunar eclipse.
with someone very important to me.

i have decided something.

i'm not going to see the lunar eclipse tonight.
do i want to?
heck yes.
but...well, i'm being girly and sentimental.
but seeing anomalies in the sky--
experiencing anything in the sky, really,
is such a marvelous thing to me.
and i don't want the special things to happen to me alone.
i don't want to see them until i can see them with someone.
and i'm not going to gaze upon them with someone unless that person means a heck of a lot to me.
this person deserves this.

i can't help

that you are my favorite person in the entire world.

I have been home for approximately 38 hours.

I have been awake for approximately 32 of them.
I wish that was a lie.
And now I'm trying desperately to at least nap, and I can't even do that.
I'm having really weird pains in my head.
I'm nauseous, but not really.
I've heard that being awake for 72 hours straight will force a person to go insane.
I'm already halfway insane,
And a third of the way into the lack of sleep.
So I'm probably already three-halves insane.
And my math has never been very good.
I really wish I could sleep.
I wish I could make sense of things, too.
The best part is that I'm not even sad.
My hair is falling out, I swear.
Thank you so much for telling me about your dad.
That meant the world to me.
I wish I could sleep.

missing: one face, two arms, and two legs.

Plato believed that man was originally created with four arms, four legs, and two faces. Zeus felt threatened by our advanced state and split everyone in half. Everyone then wandered around for the rest of their lives, searching for a part of themselves that felt lost. Searching for a way to be complete.
This is where the idea of "soul mates" came from.

Everyone knows that we all need something. We have an innate need for love, for approval and acceptance. We thrive off the attention of others and crave to be noticed. I am the greatest example of this need--on this Earth I am a slave of the approval of others. Any dissent causes me great stress and anxiety.
But is this because I'm missing my second face and lost limbs?
No.
God made us to be complete in Him. Allegorically, He IS our missing face, arms and legs. Adam and Eve rested perfectly in the Garden because they had no doubt about who they were--or whose they were. They belonged to the divine Being who gave them breath. We do too, but because of a snake, a piece of fruit, and blind eyes, the identity found instinctively in Christ was ripped away. We could no longer rest automatically in the completion of our Savior because we took advantage of free will.
But that does not mean that we cannot find completion.
I know, from personal experience, that there is not a person on this Earth who can fulfill my every need with no disappointments. So why am I a slave to the approval of these imperfect beings?
I don't know.
But I know that my God is always waiting for me to find myself in Him. The closer I am to Him, the more secure I am in this world. I have found my missing face and limbs.

my favorite person to skype with.

sometimes

i really just want my love song.

and then i remember,
i have the most amazing love letters.
they have stories.
promises.
answers.
and the most beautiful love songs.

i will praise my beautiful Jesus.

Proverbs 31.

we are not merely objects of your fancy.
we are not a game.
we are not something to merely bring you pleasure.
we are not something you can dismiss as soon as we cause inconvenience.
we are not something to lie to.
to play with.
to mock.
to ogle.
we are not your punching bag.
we are not things to be controlled.
commanded.
disrespected.
mistreated.
let us be the women of Christ we are called to be by respecting us and encouraging and expecting us to respect ourselves.

"A wife of noble character, who can find?
She is worth far more than rubies.
Her husband has full confidence in her...
Her children arise, and call her blessed;
her husband, also, and he praises her:
'Many women do noble things,
But you surpass them all.'
Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting,
but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.
Honor her for all her hands have done,
And let her works bring her praise at the city gate."
[[Proverbs 31:10-11, 28-31]]

thoughts on my life recently.

--i'm always afraid there's something terribly, terribly wrong with me. something within me has broken.
--i don't know what gets into me sometimes. i'm sorry.
--i'm finally memorizing psalm 139. i should have a long time ago, but that's the hardest chapter in the Bible for me to believe and live out.
--i haven't taken pictures in over a month.
--i enjoy off-roading very, very much. i don't really understand why, but it's such a release. one of these days i'm going to have a jeep.
--i over-corrected and downloaded every single podcast from Mclean Bible, Frontline, and Campus Church 2008. iTunes is still working on the eight hundred plus podcasts.
--i'm praying about adoption. it's a very long way off for me, but that possibility has never been so appealing to me as it seems to be now.
--i hate that, at times, i allow Satan to pull me down. i hate it.
--Psalm 139:2 says that He understands my thoughts from afar off. I'm really, really glad someone does.
--domino's breadbowl pasta dishes are fantastic, and disgustingly filling.
--Heaven Song by Phil Wickham. marvelous.
--i want to record worship songs.
--have you seen these toilets?! they're ginormous!
--TUMBLR'S NOT WORKING.
--i miss my longboard. soon, we shall be reunited.
--i wish i wasn't too stupid to realize and live what God has been trying to pound into me for years and years. He is the only friend that lasts, loves always, and provides me with the companionship I have labored to find on this Earth. I know that as soon as I rest in this fact, He will give me the friendship I need. Until I do, why do i deserve anything? I don't. He likes to make that clear.
--i had a massive, massive mental breakdown this morning. i've never experienced something like that. honestly, i felt possessed.
--i wonder if mello yello was once made with marijuana, so as to actually make one mellow...
--i need to see the stars.
--it's one thing to be accepted for who you are as a person. it's an entirely different thing when everything about a person motivates you to be better. you motivate me to be better.

good luck making it up to me.

when i was younger, i wrote papers on being truthful.
since then, i have been lied to by one too many people.
i hate lies.
a person could disrespect me in seven different ways, and it would suck.
but in the end i wouldn't care too much.
however.
if you lie to me?
hoo boy.
i am not a happy monster.
seriously. please don't lie to me.
if you have the option, choose the truth.

one day

i'm going to have many adventures.
maybe?

i'm falling back into isolation.

thanksgiving.

so i got this idea from my roommate sylvia. she wrote a facebook note writing about 25 things she is thankful for since thanksgiving is on the 25th of November this year. so i'm going to do something similar.

twenty-five people i'm thankful for.
[one] my mamma. she's not the easiest person for me to get along with, and most times i just stay quiet and let her talk--because man, that woman can talk. but i love her. she cares about me more than anyone on this Earth. all my life she's done things because she just wants to take care of me, to make sure i'm happy, to make sure i'm healthy. sometimes i pushed her to the edge. but she never fell. just for me. i love you mamma c:

[two] chelsea. my big sister. she's always been an interesting presence in my life. she made mistakes that i quickly learned from. i used to hate her--but i love the relationship we've had for the past few years. i would support her in anything, give her anything, do anything for her. i'm protective of her. i don't think she'll ever know how much i would set aside everything for her.

[three] my daddy. a lot of people believe firmly that the dad should work and the mom should stay home. well God bless the queen if my parents did that. i'm sosososo glad they didn't. my daddy has stayed home my entire life, homeschooling me for the first nine or so years of my life. he taught me to be creative. he allowed me to be myself. i would not be so weird today if not for him. :D

[four] mrs. pullen. she's my second mother. she's always been there to talk to, even when i don't take advantage of that fact. i love our dates at ihop, or red robin. i'm so blessed to have such a woman in my life to mentor me and pull me through. she has pointed me to God in ways no one else could.

[five] lacey dean. i don't really know what's going on right now, but i am thankful for the friendship we had while i was home.

[six] samuel. we may not be dating. we may have a huge wall and distance between us, but God blessed me so much through my relationship with him. he was my best friend, the person i could go to with anything. he never judged me. he let me be myself, no matter what hell i put him through. he's let me say some awful stuff to him. but he never made me conform. outside of my family, no one has taken care of me like he did. someone out there has big shoes to fill.

[seven] simon. he has given me hope for our generation's male population. he is the strongest Christian male i think i have ever met. i just have so much respect for him. i pray constantly that he never loses this fire, this desire. haha i'm never entirely sure why he talks to me when i'm so lame, but i'm thankful for his friendship, for his encouragement.

(this is going to be hard. i'm already running out of people. :c)

[eight] ms. mccarthy. this woman was one of the best teachers i had at chantilly high school. that school was not fun for me, but she gave me a safe place to go to. she provided me with an umbrella on umbrella days. she gave me food. she let me make fun of her. and she told me that if i killed myself, she would personally resurrect me just to kill me again. i love that woman. i go see her every time i come home.

[nine] ahryel. she is one of the few people from chantilly high school that i think truly cared about me. i'm so thankful for the blessing she has been in my life. she lets me complain to her, which seems to be all i do c: she's so beautiful and talented. we should play music again soon.

[ten] erica. i never wanted to call her my best friend due to the fact that she's my big sister's best friend, but she is one of the best friends i've had. i can rely on her. she lets me come to her with all my crap and ridiculousness. she lets me hide in her room. she adopted me onto her hall. she made my first few months at liberty durable, and i'm so thankful for that. i don't know what i would have done without her.

[eleven] chris egan. i'm so thankful that my sister has someone who truly cares for her and would do anything for her.

[twelve] clark. he will always be one of my favorite memories from chantilly high school. he proved to me that they don't have to be douchebags. i still have most of the notes he wrote me. c:

[thirteen] julie olaffson. that girl has been such an encouragement to me. out of the hardest counseling experience in my life, she proved that God works even when i feel useless. i have loved seeing her grow and flourish. i pray for her, that she would continue to seek after Him.

[fourteen] sylvia. dude, God blessed me SO much with her as a roommate and as a friend. it's good to know someone showers as little as i do :D

[fifteen] ben. my first real black friend. :D

[sixteen] jesse. he taught me how to have a real appreciation for music. i realized the other day that i do the exact same thing he does when we point out our favorite parts in music. it's never about the words--it's the harmony, the quality, the riffs, the drums. we both point our fingers and say "ohh, listen to this...here it is..this is it!"

[seventeen] pete lim. if he hadn't been my last guitar teacher, i may have given up completely on guitar. but the lessons he gave me were the absolute best.

[eighteen] phill. i need to be thankful for the ridiculously hilarious people in my life.

[nineteen] raymond. for giving me a chance, for letting me invade on something vulnerable--his music. and for sitting with me at lunch sometimes c:

[twenty] julie behal. for making evangelism bearable. and for just being an amazing, encouraging person.

[twenty-one] scott welch. when he told me "i feel your absence", i felt like i belonged.

[twenty-two] walker. he's the best little brother i could ever have.

[twenty-three] matthew. he's the best REAL little brother i could ever have. c:

[twenty-four]

[twenty-five]

twenty five things i thank God for.
[one] for never letting go.

[two] for giving me purpose.

[three] for giving me breath.

[four] for writing me the most beautiful love letters.

[five] for sending rain, thunder, lightning.

[six] for showing me His love through the sky.

[seven] for saving me.

[eight] for loving me, despite the stupid things i've done.

[nine] for dying.

[ten] for resurrecting.

[eleven] for His promise of eternal life.

[twelve] for giving me boldness and courage.

[thirteen] for completely restoring me.

[fourteen] for constantly healing my heart.

[fifteen] for putting me through darkness.

[sixteen] for giving me everything i need exactly when i need it.

[seventeen] for allowing me to have passions and gifts.

[eighteen] for putting me in a place where i can pursue and improve those passions and gifts.

[nineteen] for giving me a family that is as un-dysfunctional as possible.

[twenty] for allowing me to go to Liberty University.

[twenty-one] for allowing me to have gone on missions trips.

[twenty-two] for giving me a brain i couldn't understand if i tried.

[twenty-three] for putting people in my life.

[twenty-four] for peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.

[twenty-five] for having a plan, a purpose for my life.

she said

she's leaving on a Sunday.
oh, that leaves me one more night.
can I take you home?
I know it's wrong,
but I know your type.
she said.
she's leaving on a Sunday,
and I don't care--
I need to know where to turn.
I tried it once,
it never caught on.
I was the only one who got burned.

[take some advice.]

scarf es finito.

gray scarf with rainbow tassles c:

sarcasm

is my defense mechanism.
the second i feel threatened, insecure, fearful, or if i don't know you very well and i'm in an awful mood?
welcome to miss sarcasm.

i may just hide in my house for the rest of break.
i don't see much purpose in leaving.

yes, i'm being pitiful.
well, i'll be darned--i'm a girl.

i need someone right now who's not mad at me,
or who is level-headed,
or who won't laugh at me,
to please talk to me.

reminisce.

you know, a post had to come about me being 18.
because, oddly enough, i'm now 18. ew.
there's a lot of things i miss. these pictures reminded me of a lot of them.
and i don't really feel like talking about them here. if you want to know what specifically i miss, feel free to ask me.
but i'm 18 now.

The Fellowship of the Unashamed.

"I am a part of the Fellowship of the Unashamed. I have the Holy Spirit's power. The die has been cast. I have stepped over the line. The decision has been made. I am a disciple of Jesus Christ. I won't look up, let up, slow down, back away, or be still. My past is redeemed, my present makes sense, and my future is secure. I am finished and done with low living, sight walking, small planning, smooth knees, colorless dreams, tame visions, mundane talking, chintzy giving, and dwarfed goals.
I no longer need preeminence, prosperity, position, promotions, plaudits, or popularity. I don't have to be right, first, tops, recognized, praised, regarded, or rewarded. I now live by presence, learn by faith, love by patience, lift by prayer, and labor by power. My pace is set, my gait is fact, my goal is heaven, my road is narrow, my way is rough, my companions few, my guide reliable, my mission clear.
I cannot be bought, compromised, deterred, lured away, turned back, diluted, or delayed. I will not flinch in the face of sacrifice, hesitate in the presence of adversity, negotiate at the table of the enemy, ponder at the pool of popularity, or meander in the maze of mediocrity. I won't give up, back up, let up, or shut up until I've preached up, prayed up, stored up, and stayed up the cause of Christ.
I am a disciple of Jesus Christ. I must go until Heaven returns, give until I drop, preach until all know, and work until He comes. And when He comes to get His own, He will have no problem recognizing me. My colors will be clear."
--An African Christian martyr.

i have far too much.

Clayton King, every time he has spoken at Liberty for the past few months, has harped on and on about generosity. I loved these messages. I love generosity, I love helping people, I love giving to people. But I am so disgustingly selfish. You know what I thought when I heard these messages? And I'm ashamed--I thought, oh good. now people will be generous to me. Maybe now I'll get something back.
Disgusting.
I finally realized tonight how to get out of this thought process. And it may seem simple, but try doing it.
I need to give.
I'm sitting there thinking about all the crap I have--my cameras, my computer, my monitor, my food, my clothes--what the heck am I doing with all of this nonsense? Yes, I have been so overwhelmingly blessed. I have not been called to give up all my possessions and live on the street. Maybe one day I will be honored with such a call, but not today.
Today, I'm starting with my shoes.
Hahaha, yes. My shoes. Shoes are my weakness. I LOVE SHOES. Okay, I'm a girl. But shoes are so pretty. I couldn't care less about the rest of my outfit, but if I'm not wearing good shoes...well God forbid.
But why do I need this abundance of shoes. I've been wearing the same pair every day for like the past two weeks, which is proof that I really don't need the seven pairs of tennis shoes that are taking space in my room. And there are people who don't have shoes. THEY DON'T HAVE SHOES. they don't have shoes. and here i am, upset that i couldn't get those really awesome ones.
how repulsive.
if, in the next two weeks, my shoes don't get somewhere where they can benefit someone, you can hit me. seriously. punch me in the face. because there needs to be a point where i stop looking at myself and how i can change. there needs to be a point where i just do it.
i just wanna give. let me give. dear God, let me give.

thoughts on my life, recently.

--my scarf is almost done. this is hard work, boys and girls.
--oddly enough, i'm excited to go home. i just wish it didn't have to be for so long. and no--you don't understand.
--i have this really weird fear. whenever i'm happy with the people and things going on in my life, i get a little worried. because usually that means that God's about to shake it all up.
--i tend to get mad at myself for being selfish, and then i get mad because it's SO selfish to be mad at myself for being selfish. do you see this vicious cycle?
--i really, really don't want to awaken love until it pleases (Song of Solomon 3:5), but you make it so darn difficult sometimes.
--alas, my eyes doth decieve me.
--i, honest to goodness, have been done with the drama for a very, very long time.
--i'm such a girl. it's gross.

oh, it is love.

do ya miss me?

i'll have a new post soon.

top three favorite bands.

1. City & Colour.
[even though it's one beautiful, beautiful man--Dallas Green.]
2. Brand New.
[they've never disappointed me.]
3. The format.
[true talent right there.]

i'm not really excited to turn 18.

i kind of wish i could move this birthday. move it to six months ago, or maybe a year from now.
i know that birthdays, especially this one, are supposed to be fun and surrounded by people who care for you. it's supposed to be a good day.
honestly, i've been asking for nothing this year because i don't want to be disappointed. don't look at that and say--geez, how pitiful. it's just true.
i'm a freshman at college--a new person at a new place. i don't have a ton of friends. i've lost some. i'm not really special to anyone. which is okay--i don't need to be. but it makes it hard on my eighteenth birthday.
i didn't have a sweet sixteen, and now my 18th birthday is going to be just as exciting.
it's just hard. i'm not even gonna be with my momma, whom, i think, cares about me more than anyone.

[[to you:it would make my day if you called to say happy birthday. so if you think about it, please call.]]

describe your exercising habits.

i oddly love to exercise. i think everyone does once they do it. i mean, it's good for you. it sets off endorphins in your brain so you feel good. you look good. it's just pretty darn good.
however, i have some complications that hold me back from exercising sometimes. i have sports-induced asthma, which, especially in the winter, can leave me very sick. and there's some other stuff that's stupid that doesn't help.
i love to exercise, but it's hard to motivate myself sometimes. i do work out three times a week. i'm not much of a runner, but i walk almost every where around Liberty and I longboard. i say i get my fair share of exercise.

favorite season.

i definitely like the period in between summer and fall.
because it's not too hot, but it's not too cold.
and you get beautiful cloudy days, with just the right lighting for pictures.
and some days, it's just cold enough for grandma sweaters.

you make me happy; whether you know it or not.

simon and his beautiful breedlove.

rockittt.

i love these.

i feel like this very often.

write about your closest friends.

lacey.
chelsea.
erica.

i thought really hard about this one, and i can't really say i have anyone i WANT to call my closest friends. i don't know...i don't really work that way. the people i have depended on greatly have proved their humanness to me and, right or wrong, i let it affect me greatly. again, i'm not saying i'm right in doing that. but it's the truth.
these three girls are the girls i know i could go to if i needed anything. and i love them for it.

some pictures taken by bonita linton.

if there was any confusion about me crocheting, here's proof.

my first d-bag monday c:

i like these kids. not necessarily this picture, but these kids.



talk about your piercings or tattoos.

i have lots and lots of piercings.
my first in both ears are gauged to 0/00s. they're technically only 0s, but they've stretched over the year so they can be 00s too. haha. it's complicated. basically my 0 guages are just a little too small, but they still work.
i have three holes on top of that in both ears, so that comes out to eight piercings so far. i used to have two mid-ear i both ears, but those are healed over now. i also pierced my cartilidge, and my tragus. so right now i have a total of 10 earrings in my ear. i pierced 8 out of 10 of them myself. i want to get my snakebites done over the Summer--i can't have them at liberty :c
i don't have any tattoos...YET. i WILL get some soon.

your middle name and how you feel about it.

my middle name is Taylor.
so my name comes out--Lauren Taylor.
have you ever heard of the department store Lord & Taylor?
say them together, out loud.
i may have been named after a department store.

it's times like these where i'm especially happy to be alive.

whataday.
what. a. day.

i like this one; it's a little different.

1. Your middle name, and how you feel about it.
2. Talk about your piercings or tattoos, if you have any.
3. Write about your closest friend(s).
4. Your favorite season, and why.
5. Are you a fitness guru or a couch potato? Talk about your exercising habits.
6. Talk about your pets, or the pets you would like to have.
7. Top three favorite bands.
8. Your thoughts or opinion on Harry Potter.
9. Your thoughts or opinion on Mean Girls.
10. Do you have siblings? Talk about them.
11. Your favorite Disney Princess movie.
12. Your thoughts on Ugg boots.
13. Do you wear glasses? if so, what are they for?
14. Your favorite subject to study.
15. Do you play a sport? If not, tell us about a different hobby you may have.
16. Your opinions on Lady Gaga.
17. Name one place you would love to visit one day.
18. Three favorite girl names, three favorite boy names, three favorite pet names.
19. Take a picture of yourself and post it, or post the most recent picture you can find.

something you miss.

goodness.
i mean, being a freshman at college three hours away from home, there are thousands of things i miss.
i miss pizza every friday night.
i miss the random times i would see and interact with simon ali, and it always made my day.
i miss doing worship for the Rock.
i miss serving with my jr high girls.
i miss giving Thomas the evil eye.
i miss my room, a place that had become a home for my art and my soul.
i miss Frontline, those seats we always sat in, the progression of relationships that passed through those seats.
I MISS CHIPOTLE.
i miss the playground by j.j.'s house.
i miss the Mullin's house.
i miss the apathy and hypocrisy of the rock.
i miss the construction and business and rude-ness and loudness of NOVA.
no wait those last two were a joke.

i do miss the people though. i miss lacey. and clark. and simon. and thomas. and ham. and anton. caleb. brian. j.j.. walker. carter. bonita. julie. nick c. ahryel. ashleigh. kate. jake. my sister. my brother. my parents. all the people that made my life a little more interesting.