i have far too much.

Clayton King, every time he has spoken at Liberty for the past few months, has harped on and on about generosity. I loved these messages. I love generosity, I love helping people, I love giving to people. But I am so disgustingly selfish. You know what I thought when I heard these messages? And I'm ashamed--I thought, oh good. now people will be generous to me. Maybe now I'll get something back.
Disgusting.
I finally realized tonight how to get out of this thought process. And it may seem simple, but try doing it.
I need to give.
I'm sitting there thinking about all the crap I have--my cameras, my computer, my monitor, my food, my clothes--what the heck am I doing with all of this nonsense? Yes, I have been so overwhelmingly blessed. I have not been called to give up all my possessions and live on the street. Maybe one day I will be honored with such a call, but not today.
Today, I'm starting with my shoes.
Hahaha, yes. My shoes. Shoes are my weakness. I LOVE SHOES. Okay, I'm a girl. But shoes are so pretty. I couldn't care less about the rest of my outfit, but if I'm not wearing good shoes...well God forbid.
But why do I need this abundance of shoes. I've been wearing the same pair every day for like the past two weeks, which is proof that I really don't need the seven pairs of tennis shoes that are taking space in my room. And there are people who don't have shoes. THEY DON'T HAVE SHOES. they don't have shoes. and here i am, upset that i couldn't get those really awesome ones.
how repulsive.
if, in the next two weeks, my shoes don't get somewhere where they can benefit someone, you can hit me. seriously. punch me in the face. because there needs to be a point where i stop looking at myself and how i can change. there needs to be a point where i just do it.
i just wanna give. let me give. dear God, let me give.