my favorite person to skype with.

sometimes

i really just want my love song.

and then i remember,
i have the most amazing love letters.
they have stories.
promises.
answers.
and the most beautiful love songs.

i will praise my beautiful Jesus.

Proverbs 31.

we are not merely objects of your fancy.
we are not a game.
we are not something to merely bring you pleasure.
we are not something you can dismiss as soon as we cause inconvenience.
we are not something to lie to.
to play with.
to mock.
to ogle.
we are not your punching bag.
we are not things to be controlled.
commanded.
disrespected.
mistreated.
let us be the women of Christ we are called to be by respecting us and encouraging and expecting us to respect ourselves.

"A wife of noble character, who can find?
She is worth far more than rubies.
Her husband has full confidence in her...
Her children arise, and call her blessed;
her husband, also, and he praises her:
'Many women do noble things,
But you surpass them all.'
Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting,
but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.
Honor her for all her hands have done,
And let her works bring her praise at the city gate."
[[Proverbs 31:10-11, 28-31]]

thoughts on my life recently.

--i'm always afraid there's something terribly, terribly wrong with me. something within me has broken.
--i don't know what gets into me sometimes. i'm sorry.
--i'm finally memorizing psalm 139. i should have a long time ago, but that's the hardest chapter in the Bible for me to believe and live out.
--i haven't taken pictures in over a month.
--i enjoy off-roading very, very much. i don't really understand why, but it's such a release. one of these days i'm going to have a jeep.
--i over-corrected and downloaded every single podcast from Mclean Bible, Frontline, and Campus Church 2008. iTunes is still working on the eight hundred plus podcasts.
--i'm praying about adoption. it's a very long way off for me, but that possibility has never been so appealing to me as it seems to be now.
--i hate that, at times, i allow Satan to pull me down. i hate it.
--Psalm 139:2 says that He understands my thoughts from afar off. I'm really, really glad someone does.
--domino's breadbowl pasta dishes are fantastic, and disgustingly filling.
--Heaven Song by Phil Wickham. marvelous.
--i want to record worship songs.
--have you seen these toilets?! they're ginormous!
--TUMBLR'S NOT WORKING.
--i miss my longboard. soon, we shall be reunited.
--i wish i wasn't too stupid to realize and live what God has been trying to pound into me for years and years. He is the only friend that lasts, loves always, and provides me with the companionship I have labored to find on this Earth. I know that as soon as I rest in this fact, He will give me the friendship I need. Until I do, why do i deserve anything? I don't. He likes to make that clear.
--i had a massive, massive mental breakdown this morning. i've never experienced something like that. honestly, i felt possessed.
--i wonder if mello yello was once made with marijuana, so as to actually make one mellow...
--i need to see the stars.
--it's one thing to be accepted for who you are as a person. it's an entirely different thing when everything about a person motivates you to be better. you motivate me to be better.

good luck making it up to me.

when i was younger, i wrote papers on being truthful.
since then, i have been lied to by one too many people.
i hate lies.
a person could disrespect me in seven different ways, and it would suck.
but in the end i wouldn't care too much.
however.
if you lie to me?
hoo boy.
i am not a happy monster.
seriously. please don't lie to me.
if you have the option, choose the truth.

one day

i'm going to have many adventures.
maybe?

i'm falling back into isolation.

thanksgiving.

so i got this idea from my roommate sylvia. she wrote a facebook note writing about 25 things she is thankful for since thanksgiving is on the 25th of November this year. so i'm going to do something similar.

twenty-five people i'm thankful for.
[one] my mamma. she's not the easiest person for me to get along with, and most times i just stay quiet and let her talk--because man, that woman can talk. but i love her. she cares about me more than anyone on this Earth. all my life she's done things because she just wants to take care of me, to make sure i'm happy, to make sure i'm healthy. sometimes i pushed her to the edge. but she never fell. just for me. i love you mamma c:

[two] chelsea. my big sister. she's always been an interesting presence in my life. she made mistakes that i quickly learned from. i used to hate her--but i love the relationship we've had for the past few years. i would support her in anything, give her anything, do anything for her. i'm protective of her. i don't think she'll ever know how much i would set aside everything for her.

[three] my daddy. a lot of people believe firmly that the dad should work and the mom should stay home. well God bless the queen if my parents did that. i'm sosososo glad they didn't. my daddy has stayed home my entire life, homeschooling me for the first nine or so years of my life. he taught me to be creative. he allowed me to be myself. i would not be so weird today if not for him. :D

[four] mrs. pullen. she's my second mother. she's always been there to talk to, even when i don't take advantage of that fact. i love our dates at ihop, or red robin. i'm so blessed to have such a woman in my life to mentor me and pull me through. she has pointed me to God in ways no one else could.

[five] lacey dean. i don't really know what's going on right now, but i am thankful for the friendship we had while i was home.

[six] samuel. we may not be dating. we may have a huge wall and distance between us, but God blessed me so much through my relationship with him. he was my best friend, the person i could go to with anything. he never judged me. he let me be myself, no matter what hell i put him through. he's let me say some awful stuff to him. but he never made me conform. outside of my family, no one has taken care of me like he did. someone out there has big shoes to fill.

[seven] simon. he has given me hope for our generation's male population. he is the strongest Christian male i think i have ever met. i just have so much respect for him. i pray constantly that he never loses this fire, this desire. haha i'm never entirely sure why he talks to me when i'm so lame, but i'm thankful for his friendship, for his encouragement.

(this is going to be hard. i'm already running out of people. :c)

[eight] ms. mccarthy. this woman was one of the best teachers i had at chantilly high school. that school was not fun for me, but she gave me a safe place to go to. she provided me with an umbrella on umbrella days. she gave me food. she let me make fun of her. and she told me that if i killed myself, she would personally resurrect me just to kill me again. i love that woman. i go see her every time i come home.

[nine] ahryel. she is one of the few people from chantilly high school that i think truly cared about me. i'm so thankful for the blessing she has been in my life. she lets me complain to her, which seems to be all i do c: she's so beautiful and talented. we should play music again soon.

[ten] erica. i never wanted to call her my best friend due to the fact that she's my big sister's best friend, but she is one of the best friends i've had. i can rely on her. she lets me come to her with all my crap and ridiculousness. she lets me hide in her room. she adopted me onto her hall. she made my first few months at liberty durable, and i'm so thankful for that. i don't know what i would have done without her.

[eleven] chris egan. i'm so thankful that my sister has someone who truly cares for her and would do anything for her.

[twelve] clark. he will always be one of my favorite memories from chantilly high school. he proved to me that they don't have to be douchebags. i still have most of the notes he wrote me. c:

[thirteen] julie olaffson. that girl has been such an encouragement to me. out of the hardest counseling experience in my life, she proved that God works even when i feel useless. i have loved seeing her grow and flourish. i pray for her, that she would continue to seek after Him.

[fourteen] sylvia. dude, God blessed me SO much with her as a roommate and as a friend. it's good to know someone showers as little as i do :D

[fifteen] ben. my first real black friend. :D

[sixteen] jesse. he taught me how to have a real appreciation for music. i realized the other day that i do the exact same thing he does when we point out our favorite parts in music. it's never about the words--it's the harmony, the quality, the riffs, the drums. we both point our fingers and say "ohh, listen to this...here it is..this is it!"

[seventeen] pete lim. if he hadn't been my last guitar teacher, i may have given up completely on guitar. but the lessons he gave me were the absolute best.

[eighteen] phill. i need to be thankful for the ridiculously hilarious people in my life.

[nineteen] raymond. for giving me a chance, for letting me invade on something vulnerable--his music. and for sitting with me at lunch sometimes c:

[twenty] julie behal. for making evangelism bearable. and for just being an amazing, encouraging person.

[twenty-one] scott welch. when he told me "i feel your absence", i felt like i belonged.

[twenty-two] walker. he's the best little brother i could ever have.

[twenty-three] matthew. he's the best REAL little brother i could ever have. c:

[twenty-four]

[twenty-five]

twenty five things i thank God for.
[one] for never letting go.

[two] for giving me purpose.

[three] for giving me breath.

[four] for writing me the most beautiful love letters.

[five] for sending rain, thunder, lightning.

[six] for showing me His love through the sky.

[seven] for saving me.

[eight] for loving me, despite the stupid things i've done.

[nine] for dying.

[ten] for resurrecting.

[eleven] for His promise of eternal life.

[twelve] for giving me boldness and courage.

[thirteen] for completely restoring me.

[fourteen] for constantly healing my heart.

[fifteen] for putting me through darkness.

[sixteen] for giving me everything i need exactly when i need it.

[seventeen] for allowing me to have passions and gifts.

[eighteen] for putting me in a place where i can pursue and improve those passions and gifts.

[nineteen] for giving me a family that is as un-dysfunctional as possible.

[twenty] for allowing me to go to Liberty University.

[twenty-one] for allowing me to have gone on missions trips.

[twenty-two] for giving me a brain i couldn't understand if i tried.

[twenty-three] for putting people in my life.

[twenty-four] for peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.

[twenty-five] for having a plan, a purpose for my life.