i think

i'm going to stop using this and start using tumblr.

And if you told me we were dreaming I would pinch you to prove we're awake.

Another day
Shows it's face.
I'm half awake--
Half in space.
And if you told me I was beautiful,
Well that would just be in poor taste.

Another hour
Flying by.
I've yet to shower,
Yet to dry.
And if you told me I was wonderful,
I probably would wonder why.

just kidding.

i did see the lunar eclipse.
with someone very important to me.

i have decided something.

i'm not going to see the lunar eclipse tonight.
do i want to?
heck yes.
but...well, i'm being girly and sentimental.
but seeing anomalies in the sky--
experiencing anything in the sky, really,
is such a marvelous thing to me.
and i don't want the special things to happen to me alone.
i don't want to see them until i can see them with someone.
and i'm not going to gaze upon them with someone unless that person means a heck of a lot to me.
this person deserves this.

i can't help

that you are my favorite person in the entire world.

I have been home for approximately 38 hours.

I have been awake for approximately 32 of them.
I wish that was a lie.
And now I'm trying desperately to at least nap, and I can't even do that.
I'm having really weird pains in my head.
I'm nauseous, but not really.
I've heard that being awake for 72 hours straight will force a person to go insane.
I'm already halfway insane,
And a third of the way into the lack of sleep.
So I'm probably already three-halves insane.
And my math has never been very good.
I really wish I could sleep.
I wish I could make sense of things, too.
The best part is that I'm not even sad.
My hair is falling out, I swear.
Thank you so much for telling me about your dad.
That meant the world to me.
I wish I could sleep.

missing: one face, two arms, and two legs.

Plato believed that man was originally created with four arms, four legs, and two faces. Zeus felt threatened by our advanced state and split everyone in half. Everyone then wandered around for the rest of their lives, searching for a part of themselves that felt lost. Searching for a way to be complete.
This is where the idea of "soul mates" came from.

Everyone knows that we all need something. We have an innate need for love, for approval and acceptance. We thrive off the attention of others and crave to be noticed. I am the greatest example of this need--on this Earth I am a slave of the approval of others. Any dissent causes me great stress and anxiety.
But is this because I'm missing my second face and lost limbs?
No.
God made us to be complete in Him. Allegorically, He IS our missing face, arms and legs. Adam and Eve rested perfectly in the Garden because they had no doubt about who they were--or whose they were. They belonged to the divine Being who gave them breath. We do too, but because of a snake, a piece of fruit, and blind eyes, the identity found instinctively in Christ was ripped away. We could no longer rest automatically in the completion of our Savior because we took advantage of free will.
But that does not mean that we cannot find completion.
I know, from personal experience, that there is not a person on this Earth who can fulfill my every need with no disappointments. So why am I a slave to the approval of these imperfect beings?
I don't know.
But I know that my God is always waiting for me to find myself in Him. The closer I am to Him, the more secure I am in this world. I have found my missing face and limbs.

my favorite person to skype with.

sometimes

i really just want my love song.

and then i remember,
i have the most amazing love letters.
they have stories.
promises.
answers.
and the most beautiful love songs.

i will praise my beautiful Jesus.

Proverbs 31.

we are not merely objects of your fancy.
we are not a game.
we are not something to merely bring you pleasure.
we are not something you can dismiss as soon as we cause inconvenience.
we are not something to lie to.
to play with.
to mock.
to ogle.
we are not your punching bag.
we are not things to be controlled.
commanded.
disrespected.
mistreated.
let us be the women of Christ we are called to be by respecting us and encouraging and expecting us to respect ourselves.

"A wife of noble character, who can find?
She is worth far more than rubies.
Her husband has full confidence in her...
Her children arise, and call her blessed;
her husband, also, and he praises her:
'Many women do noble things,
But you surpass them all.'
Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting,
but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.
Honor her for all her hands have done,
And let her works bring her praise at the city gate."
[[Proverbs 31:10-11, 28-31]]

thoughts on my life recently.

--i'm always afraid there's something terribly, terribly wrong with me. something within me has broken.
--i don't know what gets into me sometimes. i'm sorry.
--i'm finally memorizing psalm 139. i should have a long time ago, but that's the hardest chapter in the Bible for me to believe and live out.
--i haven't taken pictures in over a month.
--i enjoy off-roading very, very much. i don't really understand why, but it's such a release. one of these days i'm going to have a jeep.
--i over-corrected and downloaded every single podcast from Mclean Bible, Frontline, and Campus Church 2008. iTunes is still working on the eight hundred plus podcasts.
--i'm praying about adoption. it's a very long way off for me, but that possibility has never been so appealing to me as it seems to be now.
--i hate that, at times, i allow Satan to pull me down. i hate it.
--Psalm 139:2 says that He understands my thoughts from afar off. I'm really, really glad someone does.
--domino's breadbowl pasta dishes are fantastic, and disgustingly filling.
--Heaven Song by Phil Wickham. marvelous.
--i want to record worship songs.
--have you seen these toilets?! they're ginormous!
--TUMBLR'S NOT WORKING.
--i miss my longboard. soon, we shall be reunited.
--i wish i wasn't too stupid to realize and live what God has been trying to pound into me for years and years. He is the only friend that lasts, loves always, and provides me with the companionship I have labored to find on this Earth. I know that as soon as I rest in this fact, He will give me the friendship I need. Until I do, why do i deserve anything? I don't. He likes to make that clear.
--i had a massive, massive mental breakdown this morning. i've never experienced something like that. honestly, i felt possessed.
--i wonder if mello yello was once made with marijuana, so as to actually make one mellow...
--i need to see the stars.
--it's one thing to be accepted for who you are as a person. it's an entirely different thing when everything about a person motivates you to be better. you motivate me to be better.

good luck making it up to me.

when i was younger, i wrote papers on being truthful.
since then, i have been lied to by one too many people.
i hate lies.
a person could disrespect me in seven different ways, and it would suck.
but in the end i wouldn't care too much.
however.
if you lie to me?
hoo boy.
i am not a happy monster.
seriously. please don't lie to me.
if you have the option, choose the truth.