my BIGGEST pet peeve

is when people use my pictures on facebook for their profile pictures, and then CROP THEM.
i don't mind if you use the picture, BUT FOR THE SAKE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY, DON'T CROP IT.
there is a specific reason the picture is composed like it is, and you CROPPING it is like taking the icing off a cake.
IT IS THEN PURPOSELESS.
I WANT TO BANG MY HEAD AGAINST A WALL.

read as if i were singing::

I DECLARED MY MAJOR I DECLARED MY MAJOR I DECLARED MY MAJOR.


you know that totally awful sinking feeling you get when you make a decision and feel as though the world may be ending? i get it sometimes when i choose certain foods over others...food is that important, after all. but today i was going in to talk to my advisor about declaring my major, and i was so scared that i would make the decision and walk out feeling like acid was burning the pit of my stomach and something was blocking the back of my throat.
however,
i confidently told her what i wanted to do.
signed the paper.
smiled.
left.
and i am SO EXCITED.
she told me everything i'll need to do for both my major and my minor, and it will be a ton and a half of work, but i'm not worried. because God is good.
i am now a "religion: youth ministries" major with a minor in photography. i'm not entirely sure what i'm supposed to do with the major, but as soon as i saw it listed, i immediately felt at peace with being at liberty university. i would love to work with upper level high schoolers for the rest of my life. talking to people, giving Biblical advice, pointing them back to God? it's probably my favorite thing to do.
and the minor? self-explanatory.

is it awful how much better i feel?

[not really optional].

deep down, i really am a really emotional girl. it's awful.

[kind of optional].

i need my best friend back.
well, they are still MY best friend.

i don't know about the other way around.

[less than optional].

I'm going to try to not fall apart today like i did yesterday.

[more than optional].

i didn't know i could be so unhappy.

[still optional].

1. i spent seventeen years finding the friends i finally found this past year. and then i left and they're moving on and living. i feel like this may be a never-ending cycle.
2. i'm losing you. or i feel like i am. or i should be?
3. it's the worst when your worst fears come true.
4. i know it's pre-mature. i know that. i know it's only the first week. but that doesn't stop me from being terrified.
5. whenever you face trials of many kind, consider it pure joy, for perseverance will do it's full work in you so you may be lacking nothing.

[optional].

this is so much harder than i want it to be.

some mindless thoughts.

sooo.
this has been a ginormous change. coming to college and all. and yes, it's only day two, but i'm stuck at home.
not literally.
this doesn't feel permanent. i feel like in a week or so i'm going to pack up and go back home. go back to NOVA. go back to that awful place i've been stuck in for so long. and because i feel like that,
i'm not putting myself out there.
i'm not letting people get to know me.
i'm not interested in meeting people, or socializing.
especially not those of the male persuasion.
i'm not sure what this means for the rest of the school year.
i'm scared i'm never going to have friends.
but at the same time, i KNOW God provides.

reminisce.

I'm leaving for college in about a week. This is a huge change for me, a huge challenge, a huge step, a huge...a huge deal. I'm terrified. But I really wanted to take this opportunity to acknowledge some of the people who have affected me over the past few years. Sorry if this is super lame or cheesy, but it's my blog. GET OVER IT.

To my parents:
I only recently realized what amazing people you are. Yes our relationship isn't perfect and it never will be, and I'll always be the difficult child, but you guys have done so much for me. Even in times when you had no idea what to do, you still tried your hardest to make sure I was healthy and happy, but most importantly, following Christ. I can honestly say I will miss you all something awful. You have always been my biggest supporter. And I love you both for everything. I cannot thank you enough. I'm sorry for all the things I've put you through.

To Matthew:
You won't know about this, but kid? I love you. You're the greatest little being I've ever met. I pray for you constantly and I really hope you choose the right path. I'm always here for you buddy.

Sam:
You have been my best friend for a good ten or eleven months now. Can you believe it? All the stuff we've been through--it's such a blessing. I am so glad I got to experience senior year with you by my side. I never thought that I would love you as much as I do, and I hate that college is separating us. But God has such bigger plans for the both of us that we can never imagine. And maybe we'll be a part of each other's lives down the road. But for now, hold on to the good we had. I'll miss it so much. I'll miss you so much.

Lacey:
Just know that you gave my life purpose. You gave me someone to take care of. I'm sorry that I can't be the friend you need me to be.

Alexis:
Oh, my dear girl. I have seen you grow immensely and you have no idea what a blessing your life has been to me. You've wandered in and out of it since eighth grade--did you realize that? How long we've known of each other? I'm so glad that we got to experience the DR together and that i've had the opportunity to talk to you and see you grow. i love you so much chica. don't forget about me in college.

Walker:
you really are an awesome kid. and it encourages me to see that guys your age CAN have standards and really CAN follow Christ. you're not perfect, but i love seeing your heart. you're a little brother to me.

Brian:
I've gotten to know you in a lot of odd ways--you've dated my sister and several of my friends. But you know what I love? I still have a very high opinion of you. Your hugs make my day everythime I see you, and I have to say I was genuinely sad when you left. Be safe, my friend.

Carter:
Okay this may be really weird that I'm writing one for you, but I just want you to know that I have a heck of a lot of respect for you and your standards. Keep following Christ. you're one of the coolest kids i know c:

Clark:
Holy crap I miss you so much. You made junior year worthwhile, i promise. You always made my day in some way. I wish we could have stayed as close as we were. please come visit me soon.

Jessica:
you ruined my life for a little bit. But i only say that to say that I know God had a reason for it. And so, for whatever reason it is, I'm thankful you were in my life. really. i wasn't scared so much anymore.

Julie:
sweetheart you have no idea what a blessing it has been to see you grow. like crazy. when i met you in eighth grade i know you saw my heart break for you and zoe and molly, and the three of you are constantly in my prayers. you are just proof that my life is not pointless. I'm so glad God used me in your life and to see your heart now and how you are following Him really almost brings me to tears. i love you darling. stay strong.

Simon:
i watch you. sorry if that's creepy, but i just see so much more in you than what you let people see. i love your heart, how you serve, your voice, your talent, your love for Christ. i wish we could be closer, honestly. geez i sound really creepy. but take it as a compliment, please. i'll be praying for you. you really are an awesome kid.

Mrs. Pullen:
you have been my second mother for years. and i cannot express how much i appreciate it. seriously. thank you so much.